Beauty is

Thirty some years ago I was a skinny, tall, lanky, unattractive (I'd say homely but you'd all hush me), insecure kid.  My first "job" was babysitting adorable newborn twins. These twins had 4 older brothers -- one my age - and a contender for "most popular".  The twins' Dad made it a habit to tell the boys "Cathy is the kind of gal you marry, boys -- not those flirty, popular girls you all date.  She's wife material."

He meant it as a compliment. I took it as a compliment. Mostly. A part of me realized it meant I was different from the types of girls boys sought out. I knew I was different. I can't explain why, or how, I just was. I wasn't a girly girl. I wasn't beautiful. 

A poignant and memorable conversation from thirty years ago cemented my view.

Everyone knew Suz was beautiful (LE, I hope you are reading!).  Oh. My. Golly.  Did she flaunt it? Was she? Or, did the guys think she was, so she became known as beautiful? Or, did she have great confidence that she was because of her upbringing?  Who knows? This I do know, she was a thorn to the other girls.

One night after a Sunday night church service, poor Suz needed a shoulder to lean on. Her "guy of the month" had dumped her (a pattern).  She pulled me aside and dropped this bomb on me:  "you'll never know how hard it is for a beautiful girl to date a guy and not know if he's only interested in you for your beauty or for who you are. I just want to be normal (implied: ugly, like you)"

Okay. Well, thanks. And good-bye Suz (with friends like that, who needs enemies?). But really, she didn't mean anything by it. Okay, she was really just clueless (can I get an amen?), self-absorbed with her current problem and evidently lacking in verbal intelligence to convey her true feelings. Or, on second thought - maybe she did communicate clearly. 

That moment, that one moment, told me the things I'd always believed about myself... I wasn't beautiful and therefore, why would anyone love me?  Years later I'm still haunted by that comment.

Today on AIR-1 they were having a discussion about whether ladies would want beauty or to have normal "beauty" but marry a handsome guy that would never cheat on her.  A young lady called it and said "it's difficult being beautiful because you never know if a guy loves you for you or for your beauty".  

Seriously. Go away. Get over your big, bad, beautiful self. Haunting hurt renewed.

But, there is another way.  There are families doing "beauty" differently.

Twenty five years ago I was a nanny for a special family in Anderson, Indiana.  The father was a new physician and they had beautiful red-headed children - a little girl and boy - and were expecting their third baby. Their sweet mother, Rhonda, worked with me at Capin Crouse. When I took a break and focused on college, and her husband start his practice, we both ended up in Anderson and they took me in as theirs.

Rhonda would not allow anyone to tell Alysa, her oldest, she was a beautiful girl (and oh she was and is a beauty) without following up with some disclaimer: "well, what really matters is her beautiful heart for Jesus", or "she's got pretty red hair, but she knows beauty is really about what's on the inside" or "beauty doesn't mean much unless she loves people like Jesus did".  Alysa never believed that her physical beauty was what mattered. She learned early on, before she started elementary school, what truly mattered - her inner beauty. To this day it's difficult for me to tell kids they are beautiful without adding my own disclaimer -- because I know there is so much more to the story.

Today Scott and Rhonda's children (Alysa, Christopher, and Lauria) are all confident, beautiful and God-fearing young adults.  And, the best part is - when I see a picture of any of them - or all of them together - you see that their beauty is deep. Those disclaimers worked.  

What a gift.  How different the contrasts. 

Beauty is.....within.