This, I believe is my mid-life crisis (a God-approved mid-life crisis -- hopefully better than buying a red corvette convertible and wearing skimpy clothes while driving it around town all summer; sorry for the visual). It's been a couple of years of focusing on "wait", trying to hear more from God and allow Him to influence my steps, thoughts, words. I fail all the time. Repeat all the time. Ask my highly-reactive son who doesn't need a Momma yelling at him because his AP-Psych grade is still 31%. Fail. Fail. Fail. (IE, ME. Well, okay, me and him - but the only one I can change is me.)
But, I digress.
When in mid-January I really focused on what "audacious" was for me, I backed away from everything. Everything. I couldn't see the big picture of why. The leaving was painful. Why is this leaving feel so right, and yet so wrong? Just tell me the "why?" and I'll be okay, I think.
I didn't get an answer. I just obeyed, out of hurt and disappointment, but also out of the excitement for a journey.
Now, I say "no" way more than I ever have. I want to say "no" way more than I ever have. I don't initiate things with family or friends (well, except that ONE BIG THING - but more on that later). I'm just being. I'm living. I'm living happy. I'm reading, I'm working, I'm loving my boys, I'm taking long, leisurely lunch breaks by myself, and yes, on occasion, I'm cuddling up in bed in the middle of the day and napping. It feels so different, so odd, so.....wrong.
I'm reading Becoming Myself by Stasi Eldredge, actually I've just finished it. (NOTE TO SELF: when you decide you aren't really into a book - skip to the last chapter - usually the last chapter is a good summary and gets you what you wanted out of the book!).
And I know it can be really hard sometimes, this life of ours. Days come when I just want to crawl back into bed and pull the covers up over my head. I want to disconnect my phone and take a break from my life. And, there are days when I do just that. For a bit. That's actually a good thing. There are seasons when I need to retreat so that afterwards I can advance. (emphasis added).
(Found this beauty in the last chapter. It wasn't a bad book, but seriously QUIET is a hard act to follow and I was reading them at the same time.)
There have been plenty of days in the last six weeks where I've crawled back to bed and slept or read a good book and ignored my cell phone. I've turned off Facebook, I've ignored most of my friends, I've taken a big long retreat from my life. I've cooked less, I've slept more, and I've laid in the beds of each of my boys and talked -- wonderful chats. I've prayed more, I've read my Bible more, I've digested and internalized and thought about the real change I want. (All in the middle of my busy season.)
Even though I'm a "seasoned" Christian, perhaps because I'm a seasoned Christian I need this retreat, this break. It's been a long time with some poor habits, following the Christian crowd around. But, do I really listen to Him?
Nope. My time isn't over. Not even close to over. I hope this retreat lasts a good, long time. It's my "I've been a Christian for 40 years" sabbatical. I'm going to make it last.
Stop. Rest. Assess. Dream. Pray. Advance.
Sabbatical or a sabbatical (from Latin sabbaticus, from Greek sabbatikos, from Hebrew shabbat, i.e., Sabbath, literally a "ceasing") is a rest from work, or a break, often lasting from two months to a year. The concept of sabbatical has a source in shmita, described several places in the Bible (Leviticus 25, for example, where there is a commandment to desist from working the fields in the seventh year). In the strict sense, therefore, a sabbatical lasts a year. (wikipedia)
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