Through my journey thus far, I've re-discovered something about myself. Pain, grief, sadness... they immobilize me. Do they everyone? Or, is it just me. Dog-gone weak ego-strength resiliency.
Take the path of least resistance to avoid, prevent or control pain.
Even though I'm a movie fanatic, I avoid blockbuster movies where pain is the story line. The Passion of Christ, Schindler's List, The Boy in the Striped Pajama - never seen them. War movies - not for me. The known pain keeps me away.
When I was 25 and engaged after two months of dating and preparing to marry seven months later, we wisely invested in pre-marital counseling. Our counselor took us through family of origin issues we should understand before we confirmed our decision to marry (ie, sent out the invites). My number one issue was the divorce of my parents when I was 8. At that moment, as the oldest child of parents only 17 years older than me, I became an adult. All matters became serious to me. Everything became a matter of survival. The counselor looked at me with doe-wide eyes and said "wow, it's been difficult on you being this intense forever, hasn't it?" Um, well, yes it has.
My life has been lived on the imagined edge of disaster since my childhood was turned upside down and inside out. Life is wonderful. Until you realize it isn't when you see your father standing at the door with a suitcase. Unbearable, unimaginable pain. Now, all pain is to be avoided, prevented (perhaps I'm a bit of a control freak), or if those aren't possible, ignored.
Part of living audacious in 2014 is breaking through, breaking free of the chains holding me back from living life to the fullest. So cliche', but so real.
One of my biggest regrets in life surrounds how I handled the death of my stepfather. Suffice to say I should have been there. Audacious living is about not having regrets caused by deep-seeded pain that holds me back.
Today is a scheduled client day, but instead I will be where the pain is. At a funeral home, for a boy whose impulsive actions changed the lives of four families, and broke his Momma's heart. I don't want to. Who would? On the other hand, I don't want any regret in my future.
Audacious living says walk through the pain.
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