Audacious is turning out to be more than my one word...it's an unbelievable journey He has laid out for me. How big is our God that He pieced this all together for me? You might not see it, or think God cares individually about me, or you. He does.
Quite by accident this year, through the challenges I've been facing, I realized that I'm really more introvert than extrovert. That, along with the fact that I have a senior introvert headed off to college soon, I plunged into the book Quiet by Susan Cain.
Oh, what I'm uncovering. For Zach. And, for me.
Zach is his Momma's son, a male chip off the old Momma block. Throughout the years I've read many books to help me better parent Zach, and realized this truth: he's his Momma's boy. We've sought diagnoses and answers about what is unique about him, and had various and sundry "aha" moments - but none that really made complete sense to me. Quiet, more than anything, has helped me piece together the pieces.
For some time I've envisioned myself as somewhat neurotic. I mean, not in a weird, crazy way - is there a not weird way to be neurotic? Just who has kids who nickname their Momma "8:00 p.m. Mommy". By 8 I just can't handle anymore. Not that I'm tired. My brain just says "ESCAPE" "RUN" "HIDE" -- and they know I must be left alone.
There are other quirks, too. Quirks has always been my way of saying it. Or, my husband might say - "you like things the way you like them".
A few weeks ago the family begged me to go to dinner someplace besides our normal Chicago's Pizza or El Meson. I was trying to be "our people" so I acquiesced and we headed to Bob Evans. Oh. My. Lands. It's loud. It's tiny. There is very little space at a table. There is very little space between tables. There is very little decent on the menu. My very little brain was about to explode. Within moments of us sitting down, my dear sweet husband could see the horror on my face said "do we need to leave?" He knew I was losing it. But, why? I sat there and wondered if I was neurotic. Spoiled. A snob. Careless for the needs of others.
No, I was just down right overwhelmed. It wasn't my "sweet spot".
We have a tiny coffeehouse in our town. Tiny. It's "the place" to gather. I can't do it. There are 40 chairs within the space that 10-12 people should be seated. Often times when I'm asked to go there I ask myself those same questions I asked at Bob Evans.
What in the heck is wrong with me?
For the past three years or so I've worked the majority of my time out of my home office. It's my "sweet spot". I'm comfy. Everything is orderly. I know my routine to stay focused. Check social media. Close social media. Start Pandora on low. Start the diffuser with peppermint or lavender. Mid-day I turn the background noise to Dave Ramsey, fill the diffuser and start again. It's my "sweet spot". Change one thing up in my office and my senses are overwhelmed. I added Christmas playlists to my Pandora list in November, and my system was so attune to those changes, it was all I could hear and it took me days to get back to my "sweet spot". Or, put me in a client's office and my senses are heightened to the point of ineffectiveness.
You either love or loathe personality tests. I love them. During my years managing the development of a housing sub-division, I had to take a Caliper(TM) test. This test is used most often to find idea sales candidates - but it revealed something very unique about me. My empathy level was 99%. The interpreter told me I'm incredibly in tune with the world around me. I can anticipate with great accuracy what people are thinking or feeling, the nuances of group dynamics, I hear things that others don't hear, I take in more of the world and attempt to process it. Was it related to ADHD - my inability to stay on task? More likely, probably the cause for me not staying on task. (Later I'll tell you about the other startling statistic from this test.)
Over the years I've really remembered and hung on to this empathy factor. No one scores a 100% - so I knew this was a biggie for who I was, how I processed things.
Yesterday Zach came home from a long day at school and told me school was literally sucking the energy out of his body, especially his A/P Psych class because it required endless introspective surveys and analysis and conversations. "I'm wilting." Words no parents wants to hear....but words I understand. His energy was gone. He was gone. He couldn't move forward. (An aside - I'm blessed that Zach talks to me about most everything; I couldn't have or wouldn't have or didn't have the opportunity to share these things with my parents - I'm blessed.)
It was the same feeling I had when he broke his leg at the start of his senior year. I knew him. I knew his psyche. I knew he'd become "wilted". It wasn't self-fulfilling prophecy - it was his core of who he is now. The senses, everything he'd have to take in and process, the missed school, missed social events, the fitting back in again as a "newbie", it would lead to a "wilt" and it did.
I spent time processing with Zach late last night and then chilled by reading Quiet to search for more answers. Chapter 4 "Is Temperament Destiny? Nature, Nurture and the Orchid Hypothesis" is about "highly-reactive" people - a term that was new to me.
The Orchid Hypothesis, by David Dobbs in The Atlantic: This theory holds that many children are like dandelions, able to thrive in just about any environment. But others, including the high-reactive types that Kagan studied are more like orchids; they wilt easily, but under the right conditions can grow strong and magnificent.
Is this not our God? Able to ease this Momma's mind - to provide the word -- wilt -- to help me understand He was going to help me unravel this mysery -- put a name to the matter.
Yes. Amen! Praise you Jesus. And, He didn't stop there.
I follow this blogger modernmrsdarcy.com. and, I follow her on Good Reads. Yes, I'm cyber stalking her in the nicest way. Her recommendation of Quiet led me to it. Today her blog is entitled: "Let's talk about highly-sensitive people". Ding ding ding. I'm reading about highly-reactive (sensitive) people right now - so yes, let's talk about them.
Her words today (along with links to loads of information):
A highly sensitive person is more sensitive to physical and/or emotional stimuli than the general population. According to Dr. Elaine Aron, who coined the term, the HSP “has a sensitive nervous system, is aware of subtleties in his/her surroundings, and is more easily overwhelmed when in a highly stimulating environment.”In practice, that means HSPs tend to avoid violent movies, are easily overwhelmed by bright lights and loud noises, get rattled when two people are talking to them at once, and need time and space to regroup during especially busy days.Whether or not you’ve heard the term before, that description should ring true for about 1 in 5 of you. The trait of high sensitivity affects 15-20% of the population (and Aron points out that this percentage holds across species, not just for humans).Like many people, I was first introduced to Aron’s work through Susan Cain’s excellent book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, and had a major “Aha!” moment of my own. (Although highly sensitive people are not a subset of introverts: 30% of HSPs are extroverts.)I’m an HSP to the core: I avoid violent imagery, I’m hugely empathic, and I feel like my head will explode when two people try to talk to me at the same time. Or if I’m trying to make dinner while the counter is cluttered with the morning’s dishes. Or if someone is singing while the radio is playing a a different song.
And, that's God for the winner. How awesome. Last night. Last night, folks, my son said "I'm wilting". Later that very night, I'm reading a book and come to a theory about "wilting". And, today a blogger I read posts all sorts of great information about HSP, with specific examples that scream "you and Zach!"
It just doesn't get more encouraging than that, folks. God individually love us all. If He does it for little old me in Franklin, Indiana - he'll do it for you. He loves you the same as He loves me.
I'm praying anew for my orchid, my Zach, as together we decide the best next step for him:
"Lead us to the right conditions so he can bloom, and grow strong and magnificent for You."
He is able to show us the way. He loves us that much.
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