The unknown hurt

My people. 

"Actual life is where it is at. I’ve decided. I love the same people in my face every single week. I crave deep roots, longevity with people, home. I love to live in my real life, with my real neighbors and real friends and real church. These are my people. This is my place." Jen Hatmaker

Sometimes the "my people" of your life are no longer.  Life is no longer comfortable. Patterns change.  Old hangouts become distant, painful memories.  Visions of growing children torture. Several times in my adult life "my people" have morphed out of my life and new ones have entered gradually. I don't "morph out" gracefully.  I'm ugly about it, especially when I've been morphed out and not done the choosing to morph.  

I keep reminding myself that this audacious living I've committed to is not for the faint of heart.  

au·da·cious

  [aw-dey-shuhs]  Show IPA

adjective

1.

extremely bold or daring; recklessly brave; fearless: an audacious explorer.

2.

extremely original; without restriction to prior ideas; highly inventive: an audacious vision of the city'sbright future.

3.

recklessly bold in defiance of convention, propriety, law, or the like; insolent; brazen.

4.

lively; unrestrained; uninhibited: an audacious interpretation of her role.

"Dag nab it anyway," (as Keith's Dad would say) "this is NOT the audacious journey I wanted to take.  I wanted to scale mountains, do good work, not give up "my people" and cling only to those You have given me.  Isn't there an easier way?

Tonight as most 2nd and 4th Wednesday nights a small group of women will gather to do Bible study.These were "my people".  The group has changed so much in the nearly 10 years I was (ouch) a part of it and yet I've mostly always been there. They were (ouch; past tense stings) "my people".  

Some years ago, my most painful "morph out" occurred when my (then) best friend told me they wouldn't be hanging out with "us" any more because her husband and my husband didn't have much in common any longer.  But, she insisted we'd still be friends, it would be different.  And, it has been.

See, I love my husband dearly. He's a great man of God.  He deserves "our people".  We deserve "our people". I know God has called me to live an audacious life of intimacy with my husband and with my boys, and with whomever he brings along for us (collectively) to "do life with".  They are "my people".

16 But Ruth replied, “Don’t try to make me leave you and go back. Where you go I’ll go. Where you stay I’ll stay. Your people will be my people. Your God will be my God. 17 Where you die I’ll die. And there my body will be buried. I won’t let anything except death separate you from me. If I do, may the Lord punish me greatly.”

 Giving up McDonald's Coke cold turkey was difficult, but not painful.  Today is an ugly, painful day. Morphing out, even when you know there is something better, is for the audacious.  I'm not there yet.  I will be.