Late to the party

Everyone beat me to the party.  But, I'm here now.

Last summer (or was it the summer before - mom fail) #handsfreemama was all the rage.  Drop your phone and interact with your kids more.  I tried, mostly quite unsuccessfully.  With a home office and flexible work hours I'm "on call" for six different clients day and night.  It's been that way forever, and it's a hard habit to break.

My cell phone is a constant "ping" of notifications.  Three email accounts sync to my phone - "ping" for each new email.  Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, My Fitness Pal and Pinterest - "ping" for each like, direct message, mention, comment, friend request.  Words with Friends - at least 10 games going at one time - "ping" each time it's my move, or someone chats with me. Not to mention texts - "ping" "ping" "ping".  

Notifications rule my free time. They clutter my mind and I have to clear them immediately.

Oh, and it isn't just my phone.  When I open my internet, my browser opens 4 social media sites and beckons me to "come see what others are doing while you are sitting at your desk working." Clutter.

My NOOK isn't even protected.  My electronic book is now a Google Play tablet, so all the apps are there too.  Reading time is interrupted by constant "pings".

I realized a change needed to occur.  All those "pings" were cluttering my mind.  I can't live in clutter. I can't focus. Case in point, my computer desktop:

I doubt many have a desktop as clutter-free as mine.  When I go to bed at night my physical desktop must be just as clean.  Clutter - I can't function with it.  I realized part of my "audacious 2014" is removing the clutter in my life so I can FOCUS on that which is important.  

I might be late to the party, but I figured it out exactly one day before this article came across my desk.  I'm looking forward to reducing even more clutter - physical or "pings" from my life.


http://thenextweb.com/entrepreneur/2013/11/27/clutter-affects-productivity-can/#!t21ov

Laying it on thick

Winter.  It's my skins worst enemy. Dry and way-too-warm air circulates through my house as I work all day. I don't get out for fresh air often.  Okay - let's be honest, some days I don't leave my house - so, showers are optional and hygiene might be a little more lax on the lazy days of winter.  Seriously, tell me I'm not the only one.

My skin regiment becomes night cream after the shower.  Yes.  It's thick. It's gloppy and it feels greasy.  But, I can feel it healing my dry, parched skin. Soaking it in.

Isn't that like our heavenly Father?  When our soul is weary and parched, when we are literally cracking from the heat that surrounds us, He comes and envelops us with His heavenly balm of healing.  

Living in REAL LIFE

It was so nice today to have a friend and her daughters over.  We are kindred spirits - lovers of John Green, words with friends, a well-written novel, movies that tell stories, and Jesus.  

She's a teacher and busy during the school year.  On her vacations from school we always make a point to have lunch or go shopping one day.  She has grown to become one of "my people" since we met years ago studying Beth Moore's "Esther".  Her daughters adore my boys, and I adore having her girls at my house every now and then.

So, when John Green posted a video of his wife and a friend playing WIKI WARS, I knew this had our name written all over this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLBKXU-sAvI

Harrison wanted to play along, too - he's quite the John Green enthusiast.

We each wrote 16 random words that we thought would have a wikipedia page, so we ended up with 16x3 (you do the math) - unrelated words.  The young ladies drew two cards each round -- one as our starting point the other as our ending point.  Using only wikipedia, we had to link through to the ending page.  How fun! It's too often we left life go by without "playing" in "real life".  

"My people" is my family.  "Our people" are the people that our family share life with.  It's wonderful to have this family that we share life with. It's not all take.  It's not all give.  It's not one of us - it is every member of their family caring for every member of their family -- and vice versa. And, doing it in REAL LIFE. 

Blessed.

Three wishes granted

I've been praying and searching and making the first moves.  And, I've shared my heart and desires with hubby weeks ago.  Yesterday three wishes granted in one day:


1. Small group Bible studies are really not my thing if I'm not familiar with all the players.  My introvert comes out to big time.  And, sometimes my judgement.  We started a small group for a 6 week series last year about this time.  I said to Keith before we started "this is only for 6 weeks, right? If we both don't feel like the group is right, we'll leave, right?"  Well, you can probably see where this is going. The group was not right for us. I could tell them that because we'd signed up with an out.  Hubby could not.  So, for the better part of a year he's been attending a small group and giving the excuse of "my job" or "the boys" as to why I don't attend. (I'm certain no one saw through that).  It bothered me.  Really bothered me.  Bothered me because Hubby did a study on Tuesday night without me too (an education class at church). Bothered my pride. Bothered me because should I just get over my bad self and submit to what my husband wanted? I had to be viewed pooly in all this. Surely everyone involved in both of those studies must think we had a screwed up relationship. WISH #1 GRANTED: We started a short-term couples Bible study on Friday nights and this week Hubby left his Sunday night small group.

2. We set a weekly exercise schedule for the week, where we work out at the same time.  Now, I'm a work out in solitude kind-of-gal, but it is good to have an accountability partner and I really want my husband running and getting more healthy.  WISH #2 GRANTED: the family that exercises together gets healthy together!

3. A couple in our church invited Hubby and I to with them to a Christian concert this week.  WISH #3 GRANTED: "our people" date night!


God is so very faithful.  When we tell Him the desires of our heart, sometimes they match His desires for us and our wishes are granted.  I know He isn't a genie in a bottle waiting to grant my wishes -- but I do know that when I'm working towards His plans for me, He hears and sometimes my heart's desire is granted to encourage me to keep moving in the right direction.

What's an introvert to do?

Every Myers Briggs test I've ever taken says I'm a ESTJ.  On few occasions I've tested a ENTJ. But, in my core, I know I'm an introvert who limits her "large group" experiences because I'm that uncomfortable (and no, I've not learned to stretch my limits on this one). 

http://www.personalitypage.com/ESTJ.html

ESTJs live in a world of facts and concrete needs. They live in the present, with their eye constantly scanning their personal environment to make sure that everything is running smoothly and systematically. They honor traditions and laws, and have a clear set of standards and beliefs. They expect the same of others, and have no patience or understanding of individuals who do not value these systems. They value competence and efficiency, and like to see quick results for their efforts.

ESTJs are take-charge people. They have such a clear vision of the way that things should be, that they naturally step into leadership roles. They are self-confident and aggressive. They are extremely talented at devising systems and plans for action, and at being able to see what steps need to be taken to complete a specific task. They can sometimes be very demanding and critical, because they have such strongly held beliefs, and are likely to express themselves without reserve if they feel someone isn't meeting their standards. But at least their expressions can be taken at face-value, because the ESTJ is extremely straight-forward and honest.

Then, I read this and say "yep, that's me."

Still, in my heart, in social situations with large groups of unrelated people, I act introverted.  I can't wait to read this book.  Church or Bible study small groups where I'm not with "my people", where I'm outnumbered by a large number, they're just not my thing.  That's why I'm looking forward to reading this book in the coming days.

So, with my anxiety increasing, and my new "audacious 2014" goal, I made a painfully audacious move. I re-evaluated Facebook.  Please understand that for a (short) period of time Harrison thought my job was somehow related to Facebook because he'd always see me on it (painfully, that's a TRUE story). Note this from my personality profile:

They live in the present, with their eye constantly scanning their personal environment to make sure that everything is running smoothly and systematically.

That's what Facebook allowed.  I could "keep up" on everything(one) and make certain everything was running smoothly and systematically. Able to swoop in (thank you polar vortex for adding this word back to my vernacular). Surely someone needed my prayers, or more often, my advice.

They can sometimes be very demanding and critical, because they have such strongly held beliefs, and are likely to express themselves without reserve if they feel someone isn't meeting their standards. 

I've told so many Facebook newbies I wish I could have a do-over.  I understand that everyone uses Facebook differently, but I really wanted it to keep in touch with friends and family who were far away, to catch up with people that I remembered and wondered where they were (you know, replace those high school reunions this introvert was never going to), and to keep a diary of sorts of my thoughts, what I valued, what mattered to me at that moment (ahhh, twitter - I do love you!).  

But, you know how it goes, you make a comment on someone's page and then people (many in a hunt to see how many friends they can have, some curious, some mildly interested and some genuinely happy to find you) add you as a friend and how can you say "no".  Well, I know from personal experience you can't say "no" - because people remember a "no".  If you include one you really should include everyone, right? (Okay, perhaps I'm projecting here and/or speaking from a personal, painful memory.)

They honor traditions and laws, and have a clear set of standards and beliefs. They expect the same of others, and have no patience or understanding of individuals who do not value these systems. 

Newbies beware, I say, because you set the tone over the first couple of months on Facebook of what your page is going to be about and for.  For me I'm on the introverted level of Facebook with only slightly over 200 friends (so says FB; I didn't send out nearly that many Christmas cards) and I would hazard to guess that 160 of them, maybe a few less, live within 10 miles of me. Of those 160, perhaps 10 I'd call "my people" and fewer are "our people". So, these days when I check Facebook I get pages and pages and pages of information that my ESTJ feels compelled to scan and process.  It's exhausting for this extroverted-thinking gal's brain.

 They value competence and efficiency, and like to see quick results for their efforts.

And, let's be honest, there is a lot of "well, SOandSO had a gathering and I wasn't invited"  "oh, who knew SOandSO and SOOandSOO had become such good friends.... hmmmm wonder why they can't be "my people""  "another couples event with with people who could be "our people"".  That's raw, but seriously - for an extroverted-thinking, introverted-acting lady, with diminishing "my people", and with fewer "our people" it's real. It's oh so real.

They are extremely talented at devising systems and plans for action, and at being able to see what steps need to be taken to complete a specific task. 

So, my plan of action was to quit Facebook.  Because I'm a "cold turkey", black and white, kind of girl.  But then I scanned my page all the way back to 2008 and realized most of what I wanted it to do, it was. I really do have a handful of "my people" who live far away (some VERY FAR away) and Facebook is a good way to keep up with their lives.  Why throw the whole thing out if I can make it work for me? So, I tested and played around and created a "close friends" list for my news feed and for my posts.  From here on out my posts will be limited to "close friends" and my news feeds is just "close friends".  

It's my long-desired Facebook do-over.

I'm hiding the people who have the ability to be living IN REAL LIFE and not through a screen, and I'm still able to keep in touch with those that I can't be a big part of their real life because of distance. Let me tell you - it's a BLESSING.  It's fantastic.  I've deleted Facebook from my phone and tablet. Checking in is quick, and stress-free, anxiety-free. I don't miss it one bit. Not one bit.

But at least their expressions can be taken at face-value, because the ESTJ is extremely straight-forward and honest.

 So, what's an introvert to do?  A Facebook re-do is just the start. 

"Only an act of true love can thaw a frozen heart"

Oh, if you haven't seen Disney's FROZEN, it is a must.  Worth every penny to see it on the big screen.  I've been three times.  I might even go to a sing-a-long if I can find one nearby.  

Our days and nights are just all discombobulated here.  A two week Christmas break where no-one was up before 9:00 a.m. (okay, well, except for hubby going out to make the bacon).  Bed times were midnight, or after for those who like to read in bed (ahem, "Harrison turn out the light it's 2:00 a.m.").  Christmas break ended and snowpocalypse arrived along with the polar vortex (why am I just learning these words in the year 2014!) - which lead to no school for three additional days and 2 hour delays.  Then, this week a three day weekend to celebrate MLK Day - followed by a snow day and 2-hour delays Thursday and Friday with the polar vortex swooping down again (and thank you polar vortex because "swooping" is such a fun word to say and you give me cause).  Oh. My. Golly. Will life every get back to "as scheduled"?

Add to that my "audacious 2014" one word and the strange twist that has brought into my life and Momma is spent. Spent I tell you.

So, after Z's somewhat successful Family Video job interview he announced "let's go to Carrabba's where we celebrate all our momentous occasions." Now, for the average family, a job interview might not be momentous.  But, for a family out of whack, with a momma who is spent, and a son whose life was turned upside down on August 15 and is in the fleeting days in his home, Carrabba's sounded like a perfect plan.

Dinner was wonderful thank you very much. They had risotto.  You can't go wrong with risotto (well, unless you add carrots and broccoli to it - which they didn't).  Dinner conversation was lively and reminded me why I love "my people".  I stayed involved, unaware of life around me.  I love my people more when I focus solely on them.  You too?  Hard to do, but it felt good.

So, after dinner Z -- always full of good ideas -- said "Mom, I still haven't seen FROZEN, let's go."  Work beckoned me - but then work has been beckoning me for the past two weeks and I've been procrastinating.  Is it really fair to turn his offer down now?  Nope, so off we go.

He loved it. I knew he would.  He's learned his good movie and music sense from his Momma and he's happy he did. His only words after: "That is quite possibly the best Disney movie I've ever seen, and only behind Toy Story for best Disney/Pixar movie I've ever seen simply because Toy Story is a trilogy, was a unique genre for the day, and obviously is very nostalgic for me -- but this was spectacular.  Now, don't say anything else to me about it because I have to slowly take it all in."  Yep, he's my boy.

Now, onto the reason for the post.  My favorite quote from the movie.

"Only an act of true love can thaw a frozen heart."

I'm going to stop. Because like my wise son said all you have to do is stop talking and slowly take in each and every word of that sentence and figure out what hearts you want to thaw today.  

Some things never change

Lord help me.  Do I not ask that enough?  Do I not trust? Do I not have faith? Will I ever fully change the parts of me that need it most?


I've always been reflective, introspective.  I've always handled life seriously. I've made plans, set goals, focused on people.  Case in point - I've saved my typed (you remember a typewriter, don't you?  If not - this blog might not be for you) list of focuses I put together in late 1985.  When I put together my 40th birthday albums - these got their own special page. I knew they'd come in handy someday when I was blogging about what a mess I am. 

Ah, the wisdom of youth.  I was all of 24 at the time.  The love of my life (or so I thought) had gone and married another, and second fiddle was playing the field.  I was all alone.  It was me and my 14 focuses. I had to be a busy gal.  I remember sitting in my apartment - a walk-out basement with a loft bed built into the stairs going to the upstairs house (I was a "downstairs" kind of gal before Downton Abbey) - cuddled in with my trusty stuffed animals (no judgement and YES I still have them) - and my quilt from my Grandma Schneider (YES I still have it) - and my NIV Study Bible so marked with all colors of ink because I studied intensely then (YES I still have and LOVE that Bible) - and I really thought about my life without LOML or 2ndFiddle. Who was I? Who did I want to be? What was I investing my time in?

Well, dog gone it, I was someone with girl friends if I didn't have a boyfriend. So there - take THAT!  

Oh that list. Full of girls that I attended church with, worked with, high school friends (remember I was 24 - they had all long moved on but I tried to keep "my high school peeps" together), and a few family in there.  (SEE SIDE NOTE - where are they today).

Point is - I've ALWAYS, ALWAYS been the one to try to keep "my people", my GIRL people together.  It's exhausting and it feels lonely.  Really, it feels like - so I matter to you, or do you just matter to me?  Let's be real. That's what it is.

So, with a combination of "do I matter to you?" and "my family matters most to me", I head audaciously into 2014 - putting my family first - just as focus #4 & #5 way back in the day noted - "enjoy time by myself" and "plan to be with family more".  

And, I'll throw in a little of #8 and #9, too "stay at 130 or less" (with perhaps a slightly increased goal) and "take vitamins and exercise".  

It's funny how time goes on and some things never change. Dear Lord, help me change.


SIDE NOTE:
Kim Sanetznik: College Roommate - forever friend - my "sister from another mother"

Danita and Judith Jennings: friends from youth group (mother/daughter) - live close - rarely see - but we'll be there for each other when needed.

Lee Ellen Augustine: my second forever friend - love her dearly

Lynn Evans: Sister - she's always there for me

Lydia Schneider: Sister-in-law - "it's complicated"

Sherri Fackler: friend from youth group; we both married guys from the same Christian dating service; and, as a matter of fact, she's here cleaning my house now.  Love her dearly.

All the others were work, church, or high school friends.  The friendships fizzled out when I moved to Indiana in October 1987.

The unknown hurt

My people. 

"Actual life is where it is at. I’ve decided. I love the same people in my face every single week. I crave deep roots, longevity with people, home. I love to live in my real life, with my real neighbors and real friends and real church. These are my people. This is my place." Jen Hatmaker

Sometimes the "my people" of your life are no longer.  Life is no longer comfortable. Patterns change.  Old hangouts become distant, painful memories.  Visions of growing children torture. Several times in my adult life "my people" have morphed out of my life and new ones have entered gradually. I don't "morph out" gracefully.  I'm ugly about it, especially when I've been morphed out and not done the choosing to morph.  

I keep reminding myself that this audacious living I've committed to is not for the faint of heart.  

au·da·cious

  [aw-dey-shuhs]  Show IPA

adjective

1.

extremely bold or daring; recklessly brave; fearless: an audacious explorer.

2.

extremely original; without restriction to prior ideas; highly inventive: an audacious vision of the city'sbright future.

3.

recklessly bold in defiance of convention, propriety, law, or the like; insolent; brazen.

4.

lively; unrestrained; uninhibited: an audacious interpretation of her role.

"Dag nab it anyway," (as Keith's Dad would say) "this is NOT the audacious journey I wanted to take.  I wanted to scale mountains, do good work, not give up "my people" and cling only to those You have given me.  Isn't there an easier way?

Tonight as most 2nd and 4th Wednesday nights a small group of women will gather to do Bible study.These were "my people".  The group has changed so much in the nearly 10 years I was (ouch) a part of it and yet I've mostly always been there. They were (ouch; past tense stings) "my people".  

Some years ago, my most painful "morph out" occurred when my (then) best friend told me they wouldn't be hanging out with "us" any more because her husband and my husband didn't have much in common any longer.  But, she insisted we'd still be friends, it would be different.  And, it has been.

See, I love my husband dearly. He's a great man of God.  He deserves "our people".  We deserve "our people". I know God has called me to live an audacious life of intimacy with my husband and with my boys, and with whomever he brings along for us (collectively) to "do life with".  They are "my people".

16 But Ruth replied, “Don’t try to make me leave you and go back. Where you go I’ll go. Where you stay I’ll stay. Your people will be my people. Your God will be my God. 17 Where you die I’ll die. And there my body will be buried. I won’t let anything except death separate you from me. If I do, may the Lord punish me greatly.”

 Giving up McDonald's Coke cold turkey was difficult, but not painful.  Today is an ugly, painful day. Morphing out, even when you know there is something better, is for the audacious.  I'm not there yet.  I will be.

Giving up to gain

I was addicted to fountain coke for years and years. McDonald's fountain coke to be exact.  At the time I wasn't certain what they did to it, but I knew something was special.  I'd have at least two a day -- and on a good day three.  But, five or six years ago, I began a journey towards (not there yet) whole foods, and I realized my coke addiction was my first point of action. Coke-gut and headaches were ruining my life. So, I stopped. Cold turkey. They said it couldn't be done and those first 48 hours were H * E * double hockey sticks.  But, it can be done. I gained. Confidence. A happier stomach.  And, a healthy head.

Three years ago and still carrying the "baby weight" from my then 8 year old, I decided the weight had to finally go. So, I started a 50b450 challenge (you see what I did there?).  Never in my life had I counted calories.  Like I was turning 50 and I had NEVER counted calories.  Crazy, right?  So, I read on-line and with 30-45 minutes of exercise a day, "they" said I could eat 1,700 calories in a day, exercise and still lose 1 pound or more a week.  Cool.  I'm in. In the long run (and its a long story), I didn't lose the 50 (or much), but what I gained was a wonderful appreciation for the fantastic brain chemicals generated by exercise. The treadmill and I became fast friends.  Walking most mornings at 6:00 a.m. at the community rec center with praise music going became my friend. Ah, quiet time, with endorphins cursing through my body, sweat running down my back, and a raging heart rate.  I gave up those extra 60 minutes of sleep. I gained.  Confidence. Strength. A happier heart.   

In August 2012 a dear friend introduced me to Target Metabolism (TM). Fresh off the defeat of 50b450 and about to turn 51, I REALLY wanted to lose the extra weight I'd carried for too long, but thought I'd given it a good old college try earlier and it was impossible.  The stars aligned (really, I don't believe in that stuff - but I love stars and that saying) -- STRIKE THAT -- the programs was perfect for me and at a perfect time.  In less than one year, I lost 50 pounds on what I affectionately called "The Ben & Jerry's diet".  You can tell me that I can only eat 1,154 calories in a day, but do not tell me that I can not have sweets.  Do not. I will rebel. Don't tell me I have to eat six helpings of green veggies.  Tell me to eat six (very) small meals a day of whatever I want and I'll figure out how to get'er done and still have 130 calories left at the end of the day (meal #6) for a quarter cup of B&J's Karmel Sutra (or sometimes, Canoli, or Late Night Snack - but ALWAYS B&J's!).  Yes. I. Will.  And, I did. Nearly every day for 10 months.  I gave up huge helpings.  I gave up seconds.  I gave up reaching for snacks all day long. I gave up soda (for the most part).  I gave up three to four glasses of milk a day and instead had maybe one half cup a day.  I gained. Confidence.  Oh so much confidence. Health. A happier marriage.  An active lifestyle. Appreciation for new foods.

History has shown me that giving up does lead to gain.

Matthew 16:26

The Message (MSG)

24-26 Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?

I'm just beginning this fresh, audacious journey.  Just this week there are so many things I've already given up, some sacred cows for me.  So many are too raw to even mention yet.  And, many more to come. But in the letting go, and in the letting Him into my driver's seat, in giving up - I know I'll gain.  I'll gain His best blessings.  That's enough for me.

It all started with a word....audacious

Each year I chose my "one word". Well, actually usually my word lasts two or even three years. I want to feel I've done it justice.  For the past three years my one word has been "wait".  

Waiting for the Lord. Waiting to speak. Waiting to act. Waiting to commit.

Something in me said move on.  Not that I'd conquered it, but I'd waited long enough.

Audacious became my 2014 word.  I wanted to live fearless, bold, strong, unencumbered by fear of failure, but thoughts of others. That much I knew for certain.  I'd been impacted by so much in 2013 -- like never before. Jen Hatmaker, Rocky Bratt, Katy Davis rocked my world.  Reading Half the Sky about the atrocity of women around the world. Studying James with Beth Moore.  I knew I needed to do more, be more, live more.

Only 21 days in and what I thought the word was going to mean for me has completely turned my world upside down. It hasn't been fun, but it's gotten me here - thank you Jesus.  I didn't realize I'd become so dependent upon others.... in a not-good way.  Audacious has become about loosing myself from others and connecting myself intimately with those who matter most to me:  My God, my husband, my kids, my immediate family and a very small circle of forever friends.  

Never in a million billion years did I envision this as my audacious journey. I envisioned moving to India and taking care of orphaned AIDS children (aka, Rocky Bratt in Blood Brother), or moving to Africa and adopting all the abandoned girls I could find (aka, Katie Davis in Kisses from Katie), or moving to an inner-city and adopting neighbors into fellowship and introducing them to Christ (aka, Jen Hatmaker and many other church planters), or working with others to figure out how to feed the hungry in Johnson County - or any number of other worthy causes.  

Surprise!  All He really wants me to do right now is to develop anew a deepened intimacy.  For me, that's audacious. That's living here. That's living deep. That's new and fresh and audacious because it's SO RISKY to be present and vulnerable and connected and intimate.  

"Actual life is where it is at. I’ve decided. I love the same people in my face every single week. I crave deep roots, longevity with people, home. I love to live in my real life, with my real neighbors and real friends and real church. These are my people. This is my place." Jen Hatmaker

I miss these things not because I travel constantly, but because I make choices that remove me from intimate moments with my real life. I fill my life with other stuff to avoid the deep stuff sometimes. I don't want to do that any longer.  That's the simple stuff for you, and the audacious for me.  



Tonight Z found me and asked if I'd help put the clean sheets on his bed.  "Of course. There is nothing better than sleeping in a bed with clean, fresh sheets" I said.  With wisdom beyond his 18 years, "Oh yes, one thing is better.... having been away on a long trip, and crawling into your own bed with clean, fresh sheets."  [preach!]

I feel like I've hidden from intimacy for far too long. It's been a long trip. I'm heading home. I'm climbing into a bed with fresh sheets. It's going to be wonderful.