It's been a year

There's usually more to the story.  It's been a year.....


     since I stopped smoking.

  or

     since I've given up Coke.

or

    since so & so died.



For me, today it's a complete sentence.  It's been a year.  With added adjectives, I might say:

It's been an incredibly difficult, exhausting, emotionally-draining,

terribly unfulfilling, and mentally exhausting year.

I could say that - and in my mind (today) it has been.  But, when I think about all those who have life so hard compared to me, that seems cruel to even write.  Get a hold of yourself woman!  You live in luxury in a 2,800 square foot house in middle America with monthly disposable income many families would love to see in a year. Seriously.

The truth is:

It's been a year.  It's not been my best and I'm certain it won't be my worst, 

but it's had more challenges that I'd hoped for.

Why the nostalgic attitude today about this seemingly unimportant day - July 21, 2014?  Well, one year ago on during my annual OB-GYN visit, I tipped the scales at 50 pounds lost.  It was a HUGE accomplishment. In my adult life - outside of my wedding day and the birth of my boys -- I don't think I've ever felt that proud of myself.  I did something I really didn't think I had the willpower to do.  It was all in my mind.  It wasn't even that difficult (gasp?).  Sure there were moments of "you want me to eat ONLY 1,154 calories for how long?" - but when I got into the swing of it, my numbers-driven, challenge-accepted self LOVED nearly every minute of it.  Especially my 1/4 cup of B&J's Karmel Sutra every night.  

I loved the skinn(ier) me.  I loved the more active me.  I loved looking good in clothes and feeling confident. I loved the process.  I loved the end result (which really wasn't the end - and thus that's where the problem 

I lived like it was "the end result".  The sense of let down came, Zach broke his leg and began an unhealthy obsession with food and I couldn't let food be the main source of discussion in our home.  I couldn't keep my focus off food while I was, on his behalf, focused on it.  It was a hard fall in fall. Winter was even harder. And, during all of it my work hours kept increasing and my ability to multi-task beyond work, keeping the three boys in my life mildly in focus - my life just spun out of control.  And, so did my eating.  

I know - even in my belly-fat-weakened-core -- I can't maintain the weight I want to maintain without logging into My Fitness Pal. But, when you barely have enough time to shower every other day - shopping, prepping, preparing and logging the food is really not at the forefront of your mind. Surviving is. Sleeping is.

It's been a year.  So, today there were many reasons (besides the obvious) why the drive to their office had me anxious.

The weigh-in was better than I expected.... but the shame was worse. 

Nearly 30 days ago I gave myself 30 days to get my act together and buckle down - there have been good days, and bad days.  I've spent time analyzing in my mind what worked well before.  There's been cleaning out the pantries and remembering "you can do this".  There's been long bike rides for exercise and trips to the gym to remember the elliptical.  I know I can do this.  I know I have the will power.  

  

I wonder what will I make of the next year.  

It's on.